For Brides: How to Organize Your Seating Chart

When it’s time to organize your seating chart, I recommend you do the following: Run yourself a nice, warm, bath. Play some mellow music, sniff some lavender, and do whatever you need to do to relax. Allow yourself no distractions. Once you are out of the bath and dry, it’s time to tackle the chart. Here we go!

Step 1

Tie your hair back in a ponytail or a nice, tight bun, as this will help you refrain from ripping it the f*ck out of your head.

Step 2

Grab one bottle of wine to get you through your side of the family’s tables, and another bottle to get you through his. (Your friends are easy – just put them near the bar and/or dance floor.) Crack open that first bottle and pour yourself a glass.

Step 3

Call your mother, and your in-laws, and have them explain to you again why Aunt Josie and Uncle Frank’s family can’t be seated within three tables of each other, and why cousin Jeremy needs to be kept at a safe distance from both the dance floor and the waitstaff.

Step 4

Crack open the second bottle of wine too early. To hell with it.

Step 5

Look over your list of those lovely and considerate individuals who have yet to RSVP. Construct a voodoo doll in their form. Insert a few pins to relieve your stress. Seek comfort in the fact that this quite possibly could be working.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

This is an excerpt from “The Bitch’s Bridal Bible: The Must-Have, Real-Deal Guide for Brides.” For more of this, grab your copy on Amazon!

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