Drunk Decorating Guide, First Edition (with Pomerander DIY)

If you, like me, enjoy getting into the holiday spirit just enough – not in the all-out, balls-to-the-wall sort of way where you’re baking a new recipe every day and throwing holiday parties every weekend, all while candy canes and marshmallows come flying out of your rear – but just enough to have things look nice in a *simple* way, then this post is for you. Because you want to feel festive, but still need to have time for things like sanity and holiday cocktails, right?

When it comes to decor I am no pro. BUT, I used to do the merchandising for a beautiful home decor boutique when I lived in NY and it sort of awoke this decorative demon inside of me. As a kid I always decorated my room and strung lights around my door, so the tendency was always there, but working in that shop awoke THE BEAST.

I also really like making the most out of the things I already have. I don’t splurge on pricey decorative items (Greg is actually laughing right now because that isn’t even a remote possibility even if I wanted to). I do have a life, I don’t have much free time, and I’m not striving for some sort of decorative perfection. I just simply enjoy doing it. While drinking. And I must now share with you some tricks.

SO, I present to you my…

DRUNK DECORATING GUIDE, First Edition (with Pomerander DIY)

I’m calling it that because they are decorative hacks so simple you can do them while your drunk. Because I care about you so much, I even practiced them for you. While drunk. You must drink while you decorate. And even if it doesn’t come out great looking, it will all still look beautiful to you because you are, of course, drunk. Welcome to my beautiful, stress-free way of decorating your home for the giving season.

THE TREE

1) Big Balls Are Your Friends. Secret: The bigger the ornaments you purchase, the less crap you’ll have to put on the tree! I bought these big beautiful balls (tee hee) a few years ago and they are just glorious. They are also shatter-proof. You can giggle like  a middle-schooler as you deck the halls with your big giant balls. More wine?

2) Use floral stems as tree toppers. If you want a nice effect for the top of your tree, shove some of your favorite stems of flowers into the top of it and call it a day. Just remember that the tray on the ladder is not a coaster for your wine glass. I’m just going to climb up here on my ladder and – what? No? Crap. Greg stopped me. He doesn’t think it’s a “good idea”. Pffffffft. Thankfully he got up there instead. I’ll go pour myself more wine.

Oh, and if you don’t have any flower stems that sparkle? Buy some glitter and glue, or better yet – dip into your kid’s stash, and sprinkle some of it on there. Even better – have your kids do it for you. Bonus points are that it is so far up the tree, no one will even see it!

3) Get a roll of thick netting. I like a more rustic look, and this one suited me best, but you can find rolls of this at any craft store. Again the idea here is to go big so it takes up more space on your tree. Big netting, big balls, then fill in the rest of your tree with your smaller, sentimental balls. (What is happening?!)

Your tree is done! Now moving on to a ridiculously delicious-smelling, easy DIY…

Pomeranders (the Fancy Word for “Orange and Clove Voodoo balls”)

Oranges: I’ve been seeing these things called ‘pomeranders’ all over the place, which are really just a fancy word for oranges with cloves stuck into them. I really never understood the appeal until I started playing around with them myself and suddenly my nostrils became more drunk than I was off the intoxicating scent as I began pushing the pointed parts of the cloves into the orange peel. Also, it was oddly therapeutic because it felt like the orange was some sort of voodoo doll and suddenly my aggressions of those who stress me out over the holidays vanished like the wine in my glass. All done!

Wait a minute…

OK That’s better. OR, if you’re Jewish, and have a slight headache over all this decorative nonsense:

Merry Christmas! Have some voodoo oranges. OY.

Use pine cones. Now we are going to do something very involved and time-consuming. I’m kidding. What do I look like to you, Martha Stewart’s freaking daughter? What we are going to do now is very simple and will require only one hand, so you won’t have to set your wine glass down.

First, take my very formal, very sophisticated tip. Are you ready? Shove some shit in random places. Let me show you what I mean.

My mother-in-law gave us a HUGE bag of pine cones that she collected from her yard. I just placed them in a bowl…

…nestled my “JOY” balls into them (am I seeing a pattern in this post?!)…

…and shoved some berries and sprigs in random places. So, to recap: place pine cones in bowl, arrange orange voodoo balls, shove shit randomly. (Tip: you can even use some clippings from your tree, or fresh rosemary.)

TOMORROW, we move onto other areas of the home including a ridiculously easy wreath for your front door. For now, go buy more wine.

OH, and PS! Did you see my Gift Guide yet?! There are TONS of ideas there – get on it! Here it is: PunkWife Holiday Gift Guide

Merry everything 🙂